This Is For Real

My junior year in high school I was taking German 1 and Algebra 2. That’s where we met. We’d been on the edge of the same social circle, but we’d never hung out or even really acknowledged each other’s existence. We initially bonded over making fun of our ancient German teacher and commiserating over Algebra concepts we could not grasp.
I remember constantly being asked to face the front in Algebra class, since I was always turned around talking to him. I was in a long-term relationship at the time, and my boyfriend was very jealous, so my social life was almost nonexistent. It didn’t occur to me at the time that this wasn’t a good thing. I was living in a bubble and I didn’t even realize it.
Talking to this guy was my own little secret. We were only friends when class was in session, and neither of us ever made any effort to change this. When the second semester started, the only class we had together was Literature. A couple of our mutual friends were in this class, and so was my boyfriend. By this point I’d started toying with the idea in my head that maybe I liked him as more than a friend. To me it seemed like he’d been thinking along the same lines, but I told myself it was just my imagination.
We were both taking Astronomy (in different hours), and our teacher had Observation Nights where students could come to look out of a telescope for extra credit. We were lying on a blanket (with space between us, obviously) staring into the sky.
“This is really cool,” he said. And I had to agree.

I never took the risk or put myself out there. By the time the school year ended, I had a full-on crush on him. My boyfriend knew it. He thought it was hilarious, since this guy wasn’t exactly Mr. Popular. In May of junior year I went to the mall with a girl I was sort-of friends with. I told her I liked him and I wanted to go out with him. I told her that my boyfriend even said I should go out with him. “Go for it!” he’d say, laughing. So I would just laugh along and pretend I wasn’t serious.
My boyfriend was the kind of guy who needed everyone to love him. He buzzed his hair and talked almost exclusively about guns and the military. He had one close friend, but he was popular with just about everyone. He told crude jokes and flirted with every girl he came into contact with. He liked to go out and spend my money, and all he ever wanted to do was go shooting or do outdoorsy things.
The guy I liked was almost the opposite of my boyfriend. His group of friends consisted of the nerdy guys that nobody else wanted to be friends with. He was into archery and anime, which I thought was kind of unique and interesting. He always wore t-shirts with stupid funny sayings on them, and he had a really bad bowl cut for a while. But he was nice to me.
Once school was out I was kicking myself for never getting his phone number. That summer my boyfriend went to Army boot camp, and I tried to convince myself that everything was perfect. I had just gotten my first job, and for the first time since freshman year, my boyfriend was gone and I had to figure things out for myself.
I began to see how much better my life was without him, but at the same time I was hooked on the idea of staying together forever. During the summer I started talking to a guy I’d known for years, but in a way that was way beyond just friendship. I was beginning to realize that if I could feel strongly for guys besides my boyfriend and be happier without him than I was with him, something was probably wrong.
Our relationship had always been filled with drama. We argued about everything, usually the same things over and over. He got in the way of every friendship I tried to have, and then made me feel guilty for calling him out on the fact that he could go out whenever he wanted and with whomever he wanted, while I always had to stay home.
When he came back from boot camp, we tried to pretend like everything was normal, when we both sort of knew it wasn’t. Senior year started, and we kept trying to keep everything the same. We started this cycle of breaking up and getting back together basically once a month for three months. We knew it wasn’t working.
The guy I spent all summer convincing myself I didn’t really like turned out to be in my English class. The sparks were still there. He had signed up for early dismissal, and after two days of school, he’d convinced me to sign up for it too, so we could hang out.
It ended up being me, him, and one of our friends. We usually just wandered around outside the building and played stupid games on the softball field. The two of us were both secretly glad our friend was there, so it wouldn’t be so awkward with just us. We spent most of our time pretending we weren’t both dying to just touch, kiss, hold hands, anything.
The three of us would go on walks, and he would notice my hip popping every time I took a step. Under the guise of wanting to feel the pop, we started walking with our arms around each other’s waists. At one point on one of these walks, he pushed me into a pile of leaves and ran away. I was so mad! Another time, he picked me up, walked to the edge of the bridge over the creek, and asked “How’d you feel about taking a swim today?”
“No!” I laughed and kicked my feet, trying to get away even though I was thoroughly enjoying being that close to him. We were best friends. We talked about anything and everything, even though most of it was really, really stupid.
I was still hanging out with my boyfriend, but it started to be more out of obligation than an actual desire to be with him. I had a major, major crush on this guy. I told myself the biggest reason we didn’t make any movement with our relationship was because he was moving to Ohio in a few months. What were we supposed to do? Make a move, fall in love, and end up heartbroken by July? We both acknowledged the mutual decision to keep all of this unspoken.
Over Christmas break, I was surprised by how much I missed him. We would text each other, but I always worried I was texting him too much. I didn’t want to seem too excited. On my birthday, which was during the break, he stopped by my work unexpectedly and brought me cookies to cheer up my day. Whenever anything would seem to get too serious between us, however, he’d claim it was all a game. I didn’t know what to believe.
Once school started up again, I started ditching him because I felt like I was going to burst from all the tension. All I wanted to do was just touch him. But my boyfriend and I were still trying to pretend that everything was good between us, even though we’d had a “real” breakup and weren’t even technically going out anymore. We were trying to fix our relationship.
I kept asking this guy to hang out with me outside of school. To be honest, I was trying to have both. I know it was selfish, but I was really afraid of permanently losing my boyfriend, and also of missing out on something amazing with the guy I’d wanted for so long. The guy finally caved and we went to the mall after school one day. It sounds insignificant, but it was a step in the direction I wanted. At the same time, however, it was even more frustrating than before, because we still wouldn’t admit we liked each other.
We started driving around to nowhere in particular together almost every day after school, just so we could sit next to each other. We bought clearance priced Valentine’s Day candy for each other at Walgreens in lieu of real presents. Later in February, we were finally, finally, going to hang out outside of school. A group of our friends were going to Dairy Queen. He agreed to pick me up. I was excited. We stayed out until 3 a.m. at our friend’s house.
Two days later, the two of us and two of our friends were going out again. This time, however, I was seriously tired of this “just friends” charade. We watched a movie, and I pretended I was tired so I could lie on his lap. Sometime during the movie I took hold of his hand. He looked at me all confused, but he didn’t let go.
Later that night when he drove me home, I decided to be bold. He pulled up in front of my house. I mumbled something incoherent, and put my lips on his. After a minute I pulled away. His eyes met mine, his whole face grinned, and he softly sang along with the music, “This is the best thing that I’ve ever had for real.” I was smiling like a fool for the rest of the night.
This is what finally gave me the confidence I needed to break up with my boyfriend for good. I told him what happened and we just gradually went our separate ways.
It took a little while before I was completely comfortable with the new direction my life was taking. It finally occurred to me that I had a say in my life, and that I didn’t have to just sit by idly and accept what was in front of me.
This was what gave me the greatest feeling of freedom, satisfaction, and independence that I’d ever felt. To this day, whenever I feel like I’m losing control of my life, I remember this night and remind myself that I can do it; all I need is the confidence.